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I Call Those Crappy Feelings Chad

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It was one of those days.  I didn’t imagine waking up and feeling so damn angry.  aarrrgh!  I had to travel far and wide to “find” something I could pin this feeling on…and it just wasn’t coming.  Okay.  This feeling had me in its grip and I decided that I would allow it in and let it have its way with me for awhile. 

It (lets call it Chad)..I mean Chad had knocked on my door and I decided to let him in.  I now believe he had been knocking for several days but I ignored the knock.  I had other things to do.  Once in, Chad asked for something to drink.  I walked him into the parlor and sat him down in a deep red velour wingback chair and he made himself so comfortable he immediately put his feet up on the ottoman.  I left him to go into the kitchen.  I put the bottle of chablis on the tray along with two of my most favorite whine glasses and some blue cheese and a few crackers.  He was waiting patiently for me when I returned with the drinks and appetizers.  As he sipped the wine he unloosened his tie and asked, “So how’s it been?  I see that you have cut all your fingernails to the quick.  Why?  They were such lovely nails.”

Maybe it was the way he said the word lovely or maybe it was the way he undid his tie or maybe it was the way he crossed his beautiful but rugged cowboy booted feet upon my ottoman but I just started crying.  Big, furry, crocodile tears.  I looked at my short cropped nails as I tossed back my second glass of wine and cried, “I’m angry..and sad…and disappointed..and unhappy..and..and..and..nobody loves me!” 

He just shook his head…like he understood.  We finished that bottle of whine and I felt better.  He reminded me gently to check my mascara for smudge marks (I did, thank God) and said he see me again sometime.  I know I will see him again sometime, too. 

Life is a spiral.  Chad will come knocking on the door for another go around.  It is surprising how much better I feel today.  The air is cleaner and fresher and colors are brighter and I have some real legitimate hope in my life and I know that life is LG.  Oh, and I told him the truth.  I don’t really know why I cut all my nails off.  It was just time for a change.  Today, I’m looking at all those people, places, and things in my life where I can truly say, “I feel like I won the lottery.”..and I mean it.

Christine Marie